Ghostofme84's Blog

The question what’s up? Bothers me.  Okay, I have to admit, I’m guilty of asking it but I will tell you why I don’t like being asked it. I always have the same answer. I always say nothing. Or I say something insignificant or boring. Maybe I’m not fond of that question because my ex asks me that every time I see him at work (He’s a coworker. So sue me.). I always tell him nothing… or the one day I said I’m tired, I wanna go home.  His response? Yeah, I know.. but what’s up other than that? I told him same old boring stuff as usual.  Nothing ever changes. Maybe that’s another reason I don’t like that question.

When my ex asked me what’s up other than what I responded with and he didn’t get the response he wanted, it seems he still genuinely cares about me.  Honestly.  Unless I am getting my hopes up and he does not care at all. That’s not like him to not care.

I did have a hell of a rough time getting over him, and there were like 2 months where I didn’t say anything at all- I was angry at him because he began flirting with this other bitch at work (literally, she’s a bitch, I’m not just saying that because he was flirting with her, there are other reasons too) and I thought that was too soon to be flirting with a girl right after he was with me. Then she got fired- so it stopped.. I don’t know if he still texts her and I don’t care, but she caused all kinds of problems at work so I stopped contacting her period. We used to be good friends & talk about everything. I guess I trusted her too much and got hurt once again.  MEH.  I just felt betrayed by both of them and the things she said just made me even angrier.

I want to be friends with my ex. There is nothing wrong with that.  In a way, I think I NEED to be friends.. even if I just see him and talk to him at work (which is what I do now).  He was my first boyfriend and he taught me a lot.  I don’t know, it’s weird if I don’t talk to him for awhile and don’t see him. I sorta miss him. Or not sorta.. I do miss him. I guess I will always miss him and I have to deal with it.  Even if he did do some shitty things to me.  I forgave him, I seriously can’t be a bitch.

If someone does something rude to me, I will be nice back to them unless they end up really pissing me off.  I don’t get angry easily. It takes a lot to get me mad, and when I do get mad you better watch out because all hell will break loose.  That’s not true in all cases- if a friend does something so cruel and I know can’t forgive them, then I just stop talking to them. Period. Cut them out. I don’t need them in my life if they are going to continue to act like that.  I’m not saying what my ex did was right (I’m almost positive he was cheating on me) , but I grew out of my not talking to him stage and realized I am an adult… I was being immature.  I realized I still want to talk to him and I want him in my life even if he did those things. He is truly a friend. He will never be anything more ever again.

This post did not exactly go where I wanted it to go.. and it turned into something completely different. This is a form of therapy for me & I guess this was in my head. It needed to get out, to be heard, to have a voice. I’ve been thinking about it on Friday a lot. I didn’t think about it that much today but it was in my head last night, because I remember having a dream with my ex in it but I can’t tell you what the hell it’s about. I really wanted to remember my dream too, but of course in the morning I didn’t remember any of it.

Does any of this make sense at all?  Why am I always asking if my writing makes sense? Maybe for reassurance? I don’t know.

Time to stop rambling. I need to read or get some sleep.

I am trying internet dating. There, I said it. That’s  not so hard to say, is it? For some reason, to me it seems like the lowest form, the lowest you can go in the dating world… but now that I think about it, it’s really not.  I’m assuming internet dating is a lot more common than we think it is. I don’t really know anyone who’s had success in it though. Huh? Ahh.

I’ve been conflicted about this for awhile now. I’m a user on a site that is free, and I’m on another site that I’m paying for. I don’t think I will continue the paid one.

There have been quite a few “messages” in my inbox at both sites. I gotta admit, it makes my confidence boost up and out. Then again, it’s also creepy because you can get some weirdos. Hopefully I’m weeding out the weirdos.

Okay, I’m trying to figure out how to spit this out- but the first guy I “flirted” with emailed me back and I’ve been talking to him ever since. I even showed him better pictures and he hasn’t said anything (not sure if that’s good or bad)!  I showed some guys my picture before (friends of my ex-friends but I don’t talk to them anymore.  That’s another LONG STORY), and they stopped talking to me. I don’t think I am hot but  I think I am kinda pretty. My self esteem hasn’t always been the greatest, but eh, I am working on it. Anyway, that guy said that I seem like a really cool girl. I was like WOW, no one has said that to me. His birthday was the other week and he kept mentioning the bars he was going to- was that a hint?? Then the next email he said too bad you didn’t make it. He has also suggested that I teach him how to play Mario Kart on Wii. I am so bad at reading guys, knowing what they think. Guys are so confusing!!  He only lives about 30 minutes away from me and I am kinda afraid to meet him.. if I ever do meet him.. I don’t know, it seems like we would hit it off, but how do I really know that? I’m not sure how long we’ve been talking for- but it’s been awhile!

The thing is, my parents don’t know anything about this, and it would be strange if some random guy just showed up at my house. I am 25.. and I still live at home. I sure as hell can’t afford to move out right now.  I have a feeling my best friend and I will end up moving in an apartment together when she is done with grad school. ANYWAY, back to that.. I feel like I have to ask permission or something to have friends over or whatever. My parents don’t care what I do- I’m pretty sure they trust me, but I can’t bring a strange guy to my house either.

I always get nervous when I think about that and meeting him and if he really likes me for me.  Sigh. Why do boys always make things so complicated? Or maybe girls make things even more complicated by thinking like ME and we just don’t know it?

Sorry I’m rambling, I just needed someone to vent to and this is the first place I thought of.

Does any of that make sense? And what do I do??

Today was a great day until my sister and I had dinner with my nana at Red Robin.

We were discussing lots of things, but some of her thoughts and ideas made me mad, and they definitely contradicted themselves.

First of all, not that this matters much, but my grandmother could not even remember how old I am. I am 25. She was trying to figure out the number of years between 2009 and 1985 to tell us about how she remembers these 2 ladies had a stroke from taking birth control. Yeah, she couldn’t do the math. I could. And I can’t do math!

We got to talking about medication and insurance somehow… probably because she lives in an assistant living home and sees how everything works.  Anyway, she told my sister and I that we should stop taking birth control. Nana said it would save us money and we don’t need it because we are both still virgins. There is nothing wrong with that and I am not afraid to say it.

Nana said that because we don’t need birth control, we should cancel it and not use it. The whole point of using it is because both my sister and I need it for different reasons.  I need it because my PMS was absolutely horrible and I had the worst symptoms and cramps ever. I was a completely different person without it and not in a good way.  If I stopped taking it, I might go back to being that person.  My sister needs it because of another reason, not being regular.

I started my birth control awhile ago and I love it. It’s the best thing I have ever done for my body. I don’t have horrible cramps (except once in awhile), and I don’t act like a n emotional girl being on it (for the most part). I also use medco.com to order my birth control on the site. I get 3 months for $35-40. Not bad, not bad at all. If it wasn’t for medco.com, I would be paying close to $65 a month for one month’s worth.

Medco.com is a site where you can get all your medications cheaper. I am on their perscription plan, but you may be able to become a member without having a perscription plan. Everything is cheaper on there.

My Nana was also saying how she takes a shitload of pills (not her words), but I think at least 70 different pills and she needs them all for different reasons.  When she told us to give up the pill, that’s like saying she should give up one of her medications because she’ll save a bundle of money. Ha. CONTRADICTION right there. So, for her to tell my sister and I that we don’t need birth control and we should stop it then start it back up again when we’re ready to have sex (yeah, she also said that) we should CANCEL IT. My grandmother was also freaking out because of the 2 girls who got strokes from using birth control in 1985. Hello.. that’s 24 years ago! I know for a fact that those pills have improved and are made better- or the doctors wouldn’t be offering them.  We told her that that’s what it’s like for every drug. Every drug has bad side effects to it. It doesn’t matter what it is. If we believed those side effects, nobody would take any medication.. especially if you absoluetly need to.

Oh yeah, during this conversation she said we should PLAN WHEN WE ARE READY TO HAVE SEX. It’s not planned, it just happens! I can’t say oh, I will be having sex on October 31st at 11:01PM a month before.  Then we should get back on the pill. In order for the pill to even work, we need to be on it for more than a few months!!!!!!!! UGHHHH.

Ohhh..she was like “I know you girls aren’t stupid enough to go sleeping around w ith different guys and then have babies and not know who the kid’s fathers is. Or I THINK YOU’RE NOT STUPID ENOUGH.” Thanks. Thanks a hell of a lot, Nana, for having so much faith in your grand daughters. I can’t freaking believe SHE SAID THAT. I never thought that would come out of her mouth!!

Nana also doesn’t seem to understand that when you graduate with a specific degree you don’t always have to be working in the field which you studied.  Nana kept telling us to go into the medical field, but first.. we need to go back to school and put in another 2 years to get your associates degree in medical imaging or medical this or medical that. Hello? We can barely afford things now (we both still live at home). How the hell are we going to go back to school and earn a 2 years associates degree when we probably can’t even afford that??

I don’t like anything in the medical field. I am not good at science or math. I don’t really like blood or guts. Seeing them would be WORSE. I’m a wimp when it comes to that stuff.

She was like well, what are you good at? You have to find something or else screw everything and you will be living at home for the re tof your life. That’s what she’s pretty much saying.

I KNOW SHE MEANS WELL.  She is my NANA. I also know she care and wants the best for us…. but some of the things she says just makes me angry. Wouldn’t you get angry with some of the things she said tonight? Or any day? I don’t think she understands things.  Nana is, how should we say it- set in her ways. It’s hard to change her mind. Once she is set, she’s  not budging or won’t learn… Nana won’t let you because she is too busy talking about herself or what she thinks is right. She  is behaving very oddly lately. I’m not sure why.

What are some crazy ideas that your grandparents have told you?? Stories? Anything?? Do you believe them? Or do you tell them how you really feel? We tried to tell her all the things I said in this entry, but she just went back to herself again. :-/

P.S. Sorry if I repeated myself… it’s getting late, I’m tired, and I really need to get to bed. 6:15 is gonna come so fast tomorrow!

Hey,

I’m Megan. This is my first post.  I think I’ll like word press a lot more than the other blogging sites I’ve used.

I don’t really have anything to write about at the moment, but when I do I will definitely share with you.

I hope you’re enjoying the last day of the weekend!

P.S. I wish it was next weekend already- my best friend is coming to visit me for the first time ever (I’ve been to visit her before but she hasn’t been to see me and I’ve known her since 2003.)!!!!!!